Heading out of town...

Tomorrow I'm headed to my old stompin' grounds to surprise one of my best friends for her 45th birthday.

I'm dreading the 5 hour drive but I'm sure it will be fun.  I'm not sure how it will go thought.  You know when you have been gone for so long sometimes it's hard to go home.  It's going to be a little awkward I'm sure.

I'm normally the punching bag.  I guess it's because I can laugh it off pretty well...or I used too.  I'm not sure how I'll handle it this time.  Laugh or cry?

My birthday is a month after hers so we always do something to celebrate...Ugh....I'm too old for this crap!

Dream time:

OK...Last night was crazy one....but then aren't they all?

I was in this house with some OLD friends...I'm talking when I was one we all became friends OLD.  My Dad was there too.  He has passed on so it was good to see him.  He had a messy head of hair which is normal...His idea of combing his hair was putting on a ball cap!  Let's see what else....David was there.  My childhood sweetheart.  His sister and some others I'm assuming were from the same crowd of friends but they are blurry.

We were all hanging out in a bedroom...My dad was trying to sleep & me and David were talking about going out somewhere.  I decided to get dressed but couldn't seem to find my room.  It turned into a cruise ship...which is normal for my dreams because that happens often...that or a hotel.    David was with me and we were looking everywhere for my room.  Finally we decided to head into town since the ship was docked.  We went to this old diner and ordered ice cream but of course we never got it.  We ended up going to the post office and then headed back to the beach.  I had to get a bathing suit so we went into this shop that was selling beach things...a gift shop of sorts.  I found a suit and tried it on in back.  Of course I looked much better in it than I would in real life.  When we got to the beach I took my clothes off and was expecting my suit to be under them.  Instead, I had on a wet suit.  I decided I would have a weird tan that way so I took it off and just went with that.  I couldn't have a weird tan now could I?

We ended up getting kicked off the beach because it was "closing time"...?  So we grabbed our things and went back to the ship.  When we checked back onto the ship, we realized it was the wrong ship and had to get back off.  The problem was...we were already sailing!  We explained the problem to the cruise director and he set us up in a suite.  They only had one left so we had to share.  The suite was a luxury two story suite with a balcony.  It was amazing!  Lots of room and not at all like a ship cabin!  The closets were full of clothes that were just our size so that wasn't a problem.  We got dressed and went to dinner at the captain's table.  She was lovely but was interested in David!  I was jealous I think...even though I was married.  I ended up telling her that he was taken so she backed off.  David was mad though.  Did I mention that he was married too.  He had no reason to be mad!  After dinner we were at port already and when we docked we looked out and were back at the house my dream started out at.

Now...what the heck does all of that mean?

R.

Page View...

OMGimminy!

I logged on today and somehow someone found my blog.  It says that there was one page view.
Hopefully it was boring enough that they clicked right off of it.  The problem is...they were referred to my blog in the first place!  What the hey?  I really don't want page views.

Oh what the heck....I'll probably delete this thing in a week or so any ways.

So....Today was busy....Church day.  My son was up until around 2am so he was tired to say the least.  And because he's only 4yrs old, My husband and I were tired as well!  Can't let a 4yr old run around all night by himself can you?  We have got to get him on a better schedule!

We came home to a basement full of piss and crap!  Our dogs took a dump all over the basement.  If it was only one dog doing the damage then he REALLY had to have a problem!  It was EVERYWHERE! They never do this!  But they are getting older...but still.  They NEVER go to the bathroom in the house! My husband was furious!  Rightly so since he was the one that had to clean it all up!  LOL  It really stunk!   What was worse (and kinda funny) there was a puddle of piss on the floor too.  He apparently didn't see it...I did.  So after cleaning up all the crap, a strategically placed hand found the puddle.  That set him over the top!  They also apparently just went before we got home because even the piss wasn't completely soaked into the carpet.  Ugh!  They eventually got some luvins after things quieted down some and the boys got to come out of the time out corner (jk).

It looks like I'll be making a trip this week to go visit a friend that turns 45 on Tuesday!  So I may skip a day or two.  I'm sure I will have plenty to say after that trip!

R.

Shoot Out...

I've actually had a couple of good days....thus the reason that I haven't been on lately.

I found out that my sister was in a shoot out (kinda) today by my husband's sister calling to let my husband know because she saw a post on facebook about it.  Really?  That's something that I should have gotten a call on.  But I can't really be mad at her because twice I had something happen to me and I posted on facebook so that's how she found out.

1.  I had a glass fall off of the towel rack onto the ledge of the bathtub, break and then cut my foot open as I was getting out of the shower.  Yes....I take a drink into the shower with me.  Who doesn't?  You may get thirsty while you are bathing.  Right?  That's my thoughts too.  Anyway...It cut my foot pretty bad and I had to go to the hospital for some stitches.  Joy!

2.  I feel pretty hard on our hardwood floor/kitchen carpet.  Kinda half wood half carpet sorta thing.  I was carrying my computer and my head went right into the edge of the lid and gave myself a nice little gouge. Turned out to be a pleasant black eye and scar.  The worst of it all was my arm.  I had wood/carpet burn down the entire fore arm.  So imagine the top layer of your skin being rubbed off.  It's raw, red and nasty. To top it off we have two large black labs that shed like a cat so there was hair stuck to my nasty-bloody-wet-grose arm.  It stung like the dickens so washing it was horrible.  Turned out to be a rather nasty picture on facebook and a nasty scar on my arm as well.

So I guess I owed it to her to find out through the grapevine that she was in the shoot out.

Two people were shot and injured but thankfully no one was killed.   The bad thing is...They don't have the person in custody so the "disagreement" turned "gun fight" is unsolved.  I know that they questioned the parties involved so they will at least know who shot them.

My sister and my niece were on the same floor but they didn't see what happened.  They headed out to get out of the mall and the security guys wanted to hurry them back  to a holding area where all the other customers were.  Really?  Who's to say that the shooter wasn't in the holding area?  And if he wasn't back there, it would be a great place to get a hostage.

I'm just thankful that my sister and niece is safe and sound back home where they belong!

I'm tired so I'm not proofing this....Church in the morning...Hopefully it makes sense.  Who cares anyway....hopefully no one will find my blog!

R.

Strange and Bizarre...

I know this is strange but....

I  believe in life after death.  Hopefully it will be better than this because I'm tired of "this"...

But why run to it?  Why wish it to hurry up?  I never was the one to rush things while I was younger.  John Cougar Mellencamp's song "Jack and Diane" hit home.  The lyrics "Hold on to 16 as long as you can" said it all to me back then.  I really took it to heart.  I held on to everyday and NEVER rushed things like I do now.  Now all I do is live life....Not LIVE life.  I don't want to just exist.  I want to experience it. Enjoy it and get excited like I used too back then.  So long ago....

I never thought I would live this long as it is.  My mother had her first heart attack at 42yrs.  So with my health and being a carbon copy of her, I really thought I would have had a heart attack before now.  I never want to get old.  Who does, but I really don't want to live much longer and have to have my family take care of me and watch me die.  If I ever got a life threatening disease I don't think I would fight to stay alive.  I would have to have very high odds to want to "fight the good fight" so to speak.  I've lived that and watching your loved one suffer just so that they could stay with you longer isn't fair!  I used to think it was worth it.  Watching a loved one fight through cancer, go through treatments, lose hair, lose so much weight they are just skin and bones, become so weak that all they could do is sit, sleep and take pain meds is not much of a life.  Sure there are success stories out there and people do win the battle.  But if they don't, and they fought so hard for nothing, then how selfish are you to make your loved one fight to stay with you just so YOU don't feel bad about losing them and being left behind.   Seriously, let's face it, whether or not they survive or lose...IT SUCKS!

Which brings be back to "I know this is strange but..."

Every since I lost my parents, I smell them at times.   Most of the times it's smoke.  Both of them chain smoked.  Which is another strange thing because once in the hospital, it was as if they never smoked before.  Cold turkey without the cravings or any mention of them at all!  It was one of the strangest and baffling things I've ever seen before.  Not to mention that my father was an alcoholic as well and he didn't even ask for that!  Not once since going into the hospital.  

I digress....It's not that I feel their presence.  But I do smell them.  No one else smells it.  My husband is very sensitive to smoke.  So when I smell it and it's so bad that my nose, eyes and throat hurt, it's a little disturbing that he cannot smell it.    Then yesterday morning I woke up to the smell of my Mom.  Not her perfume, smoke or anything remotely like that.  I smelled her hospice room.  The smell of her rotting away from a bed sore that she let get so bad it literally was eating her flesh away.  They even brought in something to help take the smell away but nothing at all could take that smell away.  

It's been a couple of years since I lost both parents within days of each other.  Then out of the blue, I'm smelling this rancid smell again.  A kind of smell no one should ever have to smell.  Why?  Why am I smelling this of all smells?  Why?

I miss my parents terribly.   I'm mostly mad at them though.  They are off enjoying themselves (I hope) and I am here.  Don't get me wrong...the later years were tough.  But they were still my parents and I loved them with all my heart.  And they f-in left me!  And today.....Today I get to be reminded of it all. All over again.

R.

Am I doing this right?

OK...this is my second post....
I wasn't sure if I would even do this again so color me shocked!  I'm not sure if this post will show up correctly but I'll try this out anyway.

I really don't know what the heck I'm doing....Why the blog?  What am I wishing to gain?  Do I want people to read this?  No....So why make it public?  I haven't got a clue.  Maybe it's my way of trying to take a risk?  Or maybe I don't know what the heck I'm talking (writing) about.  I thought about doing this as a daily diary on my computer but then...someone might find it after I've left this world.  At least if it's online no one will really know it's "Me" without digging.  LOL  I'm sure there's someone out there that could do that....Hopefully not though.

I actually wrote some sexy stuff years ago.  I have that saved locked away in a box.  I often thought what others would think of me if they knew I wrote something that X rated?  Well...after I die they will find it...I better go burn that now!  LOL

I'm locked away in my den...where I feel safe.  My husband and son are finally going to bed at almost 1am in the morning.  I've taken something to help me sleep and soon, if I'm lucky, I'll be fast asleep dreaming my weird a$$ dreams.

For instance the other night I dreamt that I was in a tub (not the kind you bathe in) and someone poured these drugs in and around me that looked like Skittles.  They liquefied and turned blood red.  I'm not sure if it was supposed to really be blood or not.  I was freaked out at first but then I realized that the pain that I was feeling was gone while I had the liquefied blood drugs all around me.  Then as they started to dissolve or dry up, I started to panic and needed more of these weird drugs.  I told the gal that she needed to put more in the tub or I would be able to leave?  Like they kept me prisoner.  I just remember that I couldn't get out of the tub while they were around me nor did I want too.  I also remembered that I needed these drugs.  For the pain or the feeling of well being??? And I had clothes on too. So it was double strange.

Then another night, I dreamt that my husband was some sort of strange supernatural creature.  Not like a vampire or werewolf but both of them together.  Like at a certain time of the day/night/month he would turn into this creature.  I knew he wouldn't hurt me but I was also afraid of him.  Then this other rival creature found us.  They weren't supposed to exist but they did and they were more of a bat flying vampire than my husband was and more powerful.  My husband made me hide in this small cave where there was barely enough room for me to crawl into it.  I remember having this claustrophobic feeling.  I only get that when I have something tight on that I am not sure how to get out of.  Like when you try on a shirt that has no zipper and is not stretchy but you somehow manage to get into it.   You have to do some strange dance to wiggle back out of it all while in a public dressing room and thinking to yourself that you are going to have to have someone pull it over your head like Mommy did when you were little.  That's the feeling I had.  I got in there but was I going to get out?  The dream switched after that and I was off and running to this castle where we were granted access to the bath house to clean up.  When the gal and I were recognized we had to run again.  We knew the bath would have been risky but we thought it sounded so wonderful to be able to clean up.  Don't know who the girl I was with was, nor why we hadn't bathed in a while.  All the while we knew we were going to meet back up with my supernatural husband...IF he was able to escape his enemies.  Oh and the girl and I....We were bound together....almost like handcuffs.  All the while I was in this dreams I thought to myself....This would make a great novel.  Who does that?

That's the kind of weird $h/t I dream about.

R.

The Intro

This is a personal blog.....I'm not really sure what I will be posting on here.


All I know is that it will be honest.  I'm not really wanting others to read this....so please do not think that I want advice.  I don't.   I am just getting this out there because I'm at a place in my life that I want to crawl under a rock and hide from the rest of the world.  I don't like some of the choices I've made.  I don't like me...


Right now I would like to die.  Not in the suicidal way.....I just want this crap of a life over.  


I have plenty of things to be thankful for.  A beautiful little boy whom I love with all my heart.  A wonderful husband who puts up with my selfish ways, two dogs that are spoiled and loved and a great Sister.  


What is missing?...


That's what I'm going to find out...


In public, you'd never know that I have this war raging inside of me.  You would never know that I was so miserable that all I want to do is lock myself in a bathroom and hide from the world.  I think that if I'm in a room with the lock on it that I can stop the world from finding out just how much of a looser I really am.  But honestly....I'm delaying it.  I don't know why my husband doesn't call me on this.  He should.  He's just letting me be.  Why?  Does he not love me enough to see what I'm doing to myself?  Or does he think it will go away if he doesn't acknowledge it?  That's probably it.


Raw...